Help with my story??? PLease read it! Tell me what you think!?

Wow... you sure are talented!! Thats an amazing beginning to a story... you sure want to read on!! only thing i can suggest is- "The person I loved was gone. She was gone, and she wasn’t coming back. She was gone." i think you should take out the last 'she was gone' but thats only my opinion. apart from that, amazing story :D